2 Steps Forward – 10 Steps Back

Philippians 3:13-14 (TLB) ~ No, dear brothers, I am still not all I should be, but I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God is calling us up to heaven because of what Christ Jesus did for us.

Do you ever feel like you climbed up an amazing vista with God, but within a very small space in time you find yourself in the darkest valley without a view of a way out? I’ve struggled with depression quite a bit in my adult life. It’s not something most people know about me, because that is not something polite people talk about with others. I’ve noticed in my walk with the Lord that my bouts with depression quite often follow some mountain top experience I’ve had with Him. I’m not sure why it happens that way. Other than the enemy most likely goes hard after you when you have stepped out in faith and have been obedient to what God has asked you to do. Our enemy does not play fair. He knows our weaknesses and our vulnerabilities. He knows what buttons to push to get us focused on the negative instead of praising God for the positive.

Unfortunately, more often than I care to admit, I allow the enemy of my soul to carry me along the waves of self-doubt, self-pity, and self-deprivation. Depression is a form of selfishness because your focus turns inward, usually focusing on what you don’t have or comparing your life to what others have that you want. It’s an ugly pit that can pull you down to a place that is hard to crawl out of and at times you prefer to stay in that dark place. Why? Because sometimes, due to the selfishness of it all, it feels good to give yourself a pity party. I know that sounds strange, especially if you have never struggled with depression. Self-pity can be like a warm, weighted blanket that you throw over yourself. The problem with that is the weight can get heavier the longer you stay under it. Making it ever more difficult to throw it off when you are ready to start the journey back to the joy that God gives you. The good news is the joy of the Lord is right where you left it when you decided to ride that wave of depression. God, who is the giver and keeper of that joy, is right where you left Him. Tonight, as I was trying to climb my way back to Him, I discovered it took 2-3 praise songs. I remember the moment when I said to Him, “There you are!” The joy of the Lord isn’t heavy. It is light, and it is the light. It is both a lack of weight and a vision of brightness.

God created us to live in fellowship with Him so we can walk in that joy. He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die so we could have an abundant life, a life without the weighted, heavy blanket of despair and depression. Regardless of how hard the enemy may try to pull me back ten steps, my prayer is I never stop trying to move toward God, even if it’s just 2 steps. That math may make you think, “Well, you aren’t really getting anywhere like that.” But those 2 steps are God sized and God ordained. God sized steps are much bigger than the selfish, enemy induced steps backwards. The thing is to always, always keep trying to step forward into what God has planned for you, no matter how many times or steps you may go backwards, because the forward steps are where God resides, and oh, what joy there is where He is found!