I was raised by a God loving, God fearing, single mom.  The faith I have in my life is a credit to her faithfulness and dependence on Christ as she was raising us.  I asked her once how she did it, how she raised four kids basically by herself and without any hesitation she said, “God, period!”  She said without Him she would not and could not have done it. 

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We were in church every time the doors were open. Even when she had to work on the weekends, she would leave the 25¢ donation for each of us on the kitchen table.  We were expected to go without her.  The church was one block away so there were no excuses.  She wrote in magic marker over our front door the scripture, ‘Ask, Seek, Knock’.  We would have family bible studies in the evenings.  Of course, my teenaged older siblings weren’t always big fans of that, but I ate it up!!  That’s the kind of faith I grew up on. 

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As a child I dealt with abandonment issues from not having my dad around.  I also dealt with sexual abuse from a friend’s dad, and all of that lead to my desperate need to have a man’s love and attention.  I sought it in a guy that did not have a clue how to love me, due to his own issues.   I did anything and everything to fit into his world and to ‘make him love me’.  It didn’t work.  He left me with my heart shattered into more pieces than when he found it.  At that point in my life, I was ‘done’ with God.  I thought if God can’t give me what I want, I’ll just go find it on my own.  I purposely walked away from the only one true love of my life and tried to find things that would fill that void.  As anyone who has tried this before, you know there wasn’t anything else out there.  However, I tried it all, alcohol, drugs, men.  It only made my void deeper and darker. 

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One night I went to a drama about what happens when you die, whether you go to heaven or hell.  I sat there with clinched jaw and heart throbbing because there is nothing scarier to someone who knows the truth than not knowing where you will go when you die.  That night I heard God as clearly as I’ve ever heard Him before.  He told me this was my last chance. After this night He was done chasing me.  That scared me more than not knowing where I was going.  That’s all it took for me.  I gave my life, heart, and soul back to my first, one true love. I surrendered my life to Christ.  That was in April 1998, and although I struggle, I doubt, I fear, I fight His will, I have never doubted my salvation or His love for me. 

 

Since that time I have gone on so many amazing adventures with the God that saved me from my darkness.  Some of them I went willingly, and some of them He had to drag me along.  However, each one of them has led me to a place of grace, gratitude, and glorious beauty!!  Sometimes my journey with the Lord feels like a roller coaster that I'm begging to get off of, but sometimes that roller coaster gives me such joy I never want it to stop!!